I am a sinner

This year, Easter and the events surrounding it are striking me more so than in years past. I feel that God is tugging on me to pay more attention, go to more church services, open up more to the cause at hand. Really feel the love that God had for us that he put his Son through all the pain and suffering so that we could have eternal life with Him. Wow..to only love someone that much..we don’t have the power in us to do that..we can only imagine. After watching Passion of the Christ and attending Good Friday service at Church tonight, I have gotten a very real image of the cost of my sins. I have sinned greatly, I am not worthy of Gods love, BUT because I have declared Him my God and given my heart completely to him and openly share my life with Jesus so that He can do His will through me, I have been forgiven..Wow..I keep trying to put it into simple terms for those of my friends and family who have not given their lives to Christ.. The only thing that could even come close is thinking about your best friend betraying you over and over and over and doing things to hurt you and that go against you..you are hurt but because they are your friend, you keep forgiving them over and over and over–only with LOVE, no jealously or resentment or contempt..just pure love..Most people cannot fathom such a thing.
I’m not quite sure why this year, God is tugging on me, I’m learning not to analyze it all so much and just go with it. I’m thinking, this is a sign that I’m changing paths in my life. I confess that I’m a horrible sinner, I sin just about every day..Even when I’m trying hard not to..But we are not perfect, I leave that up to Jesus.
I’ve done some things in my life that, in my eyes, are hard to forgive, but yet because I am a child of God and he loves me so much, I am forgiven..that still amazes me..
I have not always made good choices. I’ve done my share of lying to my parents, hurting others on purpose, saying that I don’t believe in God, having sex before marriage, having a child out of wedlock, drinking a lot, doing other not so good things that I really won’t mention because they are illegal. I look back on all of that now and I wonder how I could even be alive..Some of the situations were very dangerous. God has a plan for our lives. Before we were born, he knew us..he has a purpose for us. I have been very blessed with two children and a loving husband.
Just thinking about all the blessings I have received from God and the wrongs that I’ve done makes me cry. My heart aches knowing that he gave up his ONLY son for me, an ungrateful, unworthy sinner. I’ve been moved to tears many times in the past few days..I am totally feeling God’s love surrounding me. I know that opening up like I have been and accepting what Jesus has done for me, I am loved, I am forgiven.
I’m going to be a better Christian. I’m going to be a better parent to my children. I’m going to be a better wife. I”m going to be a better friend. I’m going to look to the Lord to guide me more. I will not second guess him. I will not be perfect but I will be better.

Crying

I wish crying actually accomplished something. I do it quite often. But it doesn’t get things done..if fact it seems to waste more time than anything and I get LESS done. I wish there was a way to bottle the energy from crying and use it in more productive ways..

Not enough time…

So I’m getting quite frustrated with life right now. I never seem to have enough time to get caught up on anything..if the house is clean, then i’m behind on the laundry, if the laundry is done, then I’m behind on the dishes..and so on and so on. What am i doing wrong that I can never seem to be caught up?? Why can’t I ever just have things done and relax?? I want a week to have the apartment to myself, no kids, no Chris and just clean and get organized..grrr why can’t it be easier???

Therapy and Sleep Study..

So I’m a little irritated..I went to “therapy” today ready to talk and get some things off my chest. Apparently the lady that I had an appointment with only does meds. So i got those adjusted and left. Now I need to find someone that I can talk to and my insurance will cover..yippie..

I also got a phone call today from the sleep specialists clinic. They have my son’s results from his sleep study..everything is normal..which is a GREAT thing, don’t get me wrong BUT it gives me no reason for why he has so many night terrors and nightmares and night awakenings..guess, we will never know..then it makes me wonder that if I had him on meds for ADHD if it would help him sleep better..who knows…just had to vent..

Therapy

Next Monday I’m starting therapy.  I need it. I want it. I deserve it. My meds aren’t working and my life is complicated. I want an objective view of the things that affect my everyday life. Maybe even change my meds.

Thanksgiving went well. Landen was well behaved and Lily was good. She is now walking everywhere! Otherwise not too much to report at this time..Just cold cold weather..

An email that tells all…

THIS IS AN EMAIL THAT I SENT TO A FRIEND..IT SAYS EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO WRITE PRETTY MUCH BUT DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO…

So i know I’m unhappy, i know that chris makes me unhappy a lot..i know he has a lot of issues that he needs to work on but first needs to realize that he has them..I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days when i didn’t have the kids..I dread seeing them and picking them up from my moms..mainly landen..lily is so cute and happy and i really do enjoy her most of the time. Its landen im not enjoying..I feel horrible about that..hes my son, my flesh and blood.. i love him..i find myself detaching myself from him because he hurts me. I have a hard time dealing with the physical attacks from him. I know that it is not him, necessarily but his disorders that inhibit his abilites to think before he acts. Its just hard for me to deal with. It shouldn’t be, he is my son and I love him and i should be able to deal with it. I do not have any emotional help at home..My mom is only available so much and isn’t here at my house all the time with me. Chris tells me that if i would just tell him “no” more that he would listen to me..its not that easy..when i try to talk to him he dismisses my feelings as nothing or I’m complaining or bitching or I’m blaming him in some way… Its hard not to have someones shoulder to cry on when i’ve a bad day or need to let emotion out..he’s not there..he doesn’t comfort me when i cry, he gets upset or mad.. sigh..

so all of this should have told me something right?? haha..i’m too stubborn for that i guess.. I have lost my sense of self..I’m not Kim..I don’t know what I want anymore…I’ve become a mom and a door mat. I never used to be this way..I was outgoing, strong, independent, self sufficient…now, i’m not sure what i can do alone or what kind of perception people have of me because its all a blur..I’m not comfortable in my own skin..I hate the way I look, I hate the person that I’ve become..to be honest, I’vebeen faking this “person” for so long now, i’m not sure who exactly I am ..not anyones problem but my own i know that..i need to find myself again..but i’m not quite sure how to do it..anyways..

I walk on eggshells at home, not only for landen but for chris, i’ ve realized..no matter what i do, one of them is mad at me or I have done something wrong..maybe that’s part of what my problem is..i feel like a failure because i feel like i cannot do anything right. I see other people with 2 kids who have time to cook meals and clean and go out with their friends and go shopping and go to the gym..I dont’ know how they can be so organized!! I feel like I’m a giant mess!! I try to do one thing but I have 30 other things flying around in my head! I question my ability to be a mother everyday, sometimes more because I suck at it..

I was scrapbooking last night and I realized that i wasn’t enjoying myself. I was just doing it because it would give me more hours from MDO..I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to or because its something I find fun..I also tried to put pictures into frames–also something I usually enjoy..I got irritated because they weren’t fitting in the frames and I gave up. I’m more depressed that I realized. Maybe those situations were my lightbulb… I know you have told me for so long to do something…it goes back to the lack of self esteem and not knowing what to do..i guess…

On monday, I’m going to call landens old behavioralist, Brenda, she was awesome with him! I’m going to tell her about me and ask her who she would reccomend I  go see. I need to deal with my issues AND landens issues..No one is going to fix me but me..and if im not well, I can’t fix landen. this i know but its easier said than done..sigh..i think that is all for now..be warned there might be more to come if it all comes gushing….

sorry so long..thanks for listening..

Living on the Edge

I don’t get a chance to write as much as I should. I have so much inside that is dying to get out and no one there to listen. this seems to be my only out sometimes. Well okay..let me update my life for anyone who happens to be reading this. Landen started Behaven school..He is doing so well and this weekend he has started to show some improvement at home. that is very exciting to me. more about him later. Lily is starting to really walk all over the place! She had her 15 month check up last week and wieghs 20 pounds 1.7 ounces..she’s my tiny peanut. She is 30 inches long. She’s a very happy baby and is very smart. She loves books and playing with Landen. She’s a little more outgoing now and I think it is because we have more time without Landen when he’s in school. I hate  to say it but I think that sometimes she gets scared about what he will do to her because he is so mean sometimes.

Landen has been making progress at school. The other day he had 7 timeouts and one of them lasted an hour! His walls are breaking down! although its really hard at home still. Most of the time, its just me dealing with both kids because Chris is either working or sleeping..thats another blog all in itself! Landen can be very hard to handle. I find myself not trying to get emotional with him because I’m afraid that he will hurt me. The other night we were snuggling and watching a movie before bed and he punched me in the nose ..really really hard in the nose…I hate to say it but I do find myself detatching myself from him because it hurts too much to be emotionally involved. Thats horrible to say as his mother, I know. I do not know of any other way to deal with it though. Well speaking of emotionally detached, I have to go so I can deal with Chris..Hopefully I get a chance to write more….

Failing

Okay, first off, sorry for not writing in a while..well shit, i’m not quite sure who i’m apologizing  to–i don’t think anyone actually reads this anyways..So lets start off with the kids…They have been staying with my parents since Wednesday because I’ve been sick. We thought it was the flu or strep but both those were negative and finally found out that i have bronchitis. While they were staying there, my brother got sick..yay. So this morning, my kids woke up and were puking..thankfully they haven’t done it tonight..Landen is still having a lot of problems..Tuesday we go to the sleep doctor again and I’m going to tell him that I’m done for now because he needs to be in the specialized school…Things are getting out of hand…I can’t even go to the bathroom without taking Lily with me or he will hurt her in some way..Lily finally cut a tooth!! At almost 14 months old, it came in!!! She’s still not walking yet but thats okay..I”m going to try to figure out how to put pics up on this thing if I ever get time..

Now on to the fun stuff…Chris and I are fighting again…I’m not even quite sure how it started today…come to think of it, I’m not quite sure how any of our fights really start anymore..Basically to sum it up..I don’t work enough or bring in enough money..I don’t understand or support him in EVERYTHING that he is trying to do to support “us”. I offended him by making comments about him sleeping all the time..He doesn’t like to work all the time(news flash to me) and would rather spend time with us…hmm, i’m sure. He only half listens, if at all, to anything that I say anymore because I told him that I was insecure about getting a different/full time job. He interpreted that as I don’t want to look for a job or I don’t want to leave King of Kings..Apparently, I disrespect him and don’t understand all the stress and pressure hes under to do what he does and take care of us…whatever…he doesn’t understand what I do for the family or the stress and pressure that I’m under. Nor does he care..He doesn’t want to listen to me..When I do try to talk to him, he just downplays my feelings or disregards them and turns it into something about him..

He wants to “start fresh in the morning” and start respecting each other..His idea of respect is that I respect him completely, dont’ say anything that disagrees with him and make sure that he’s happy by being fed, clothed, yadda yadda..AND to make sure that the house is clean, the kids are taken care of and the checkbook is balanced..I also need to do the things he asks me to do when he wants them…now, where is my respect?? oh thats right!! I’m the woman!!! as long as he feels respected, then I’m being respected as well…

I’m soo scared of being alone..I can’t handle this alone..I can’t be a single mom of two kids…But I HATE the situation that I’m in right now..I’m so hurt and so broken hearted but i can’t tell him about it becaus then it will be a fight all over again…sigh…i just don’t know what to do. I try to pray and then i get confused as to what/where God is trying to lead me..or I get interrupted by a screaming child, a thrown object or someone hitting me(and by that, I mean my 4 year old)…

Well I’m completely in tears now, I have a headache and I need to try to get some rest..we will see if the kids cooperate with that..

Update

Its been a while since I last posted..I don’t get a chance to sit and type very often..Landen is like having 4 boys in one…We went backto the doctor this week. On Monday his “psych wanted to put him on Risperdol.. A very potent antipsychotic..yea right!! Like that is what I want to do that for my four year old! So Tuesday we seen the behavioralist and the Sleep Specialist. I told the behavioralist that I pulled landen from preschool and needed to know if that was a good decision. we talked about why I did it and she completely agreed. Then she told me about this preschool/treatment program for kids with behavior disorders. This is exactly what I’ve been looking for!!! So on Thursday we went for a tour of the place. It is right around the corner from my apartment and I love it! It was really nice and the people that work there are all very nice! There is so much indivialized attention it amazed me! This is exactly what we have been looking for for Landen!!! I’m so happy. We have begun the registration process and will be put on the waiting list. Well I better get back to cleaning..just wanted to post an update…i’ll try to write more later but i can’t make any promises…

Landens Day

So today started off bad, Landen woke up screaming at me..yay..then he had a huge fit this morning and I couldn’t even tell you what it was about right now..I have forgotten..its been such a long day. He went to my work okay today and was a little tempramental until snack time. he spilled his water on himself and had a meltdown. I went to ask him if he needed new clothes and he proceded to hit me, tell me he hated me and that I was stupid.. Okay, I can get over that..Then he was in a room with Claire, my boss, and he tried to take a toy from someone and she told him that he couldn’t do that, so he stormed out of the room and sat in the hallway. Claire tried to talk to him and he tried to hit her. So she restrained him and that only made him more angry. so she carried him out to the offices of the director and assistant director of the whole preschool. He paced back and forth for 20 minutes and had his hands clenched really tight. Then he layed on the floor, curled up into a fetal position and started to hit his head against the floor, not too hard but still. Then he was biting his own knees…They told me that he was wiping his head and pulling on his hair saying “out! Out! Out!” dunn why though.This went on for over a half hour! I came out to see him doing this..I wasnt able to get a hold of his counselor so I didn’t know what to do. They suggested to me that I leave with him and just take him down there. So I went back to get my keys and when i walked back to where he was, he was up and talking and smiling and laughing. So he wanted to go back into my work and we did..He was fine for the rest of the afternoon.

Then tonight, he threw a huge fit because we wouldn’t let him watch cartoons in the living room. He bit me and Chris and threw his TV on the floor. Then he fell asleep for about 5 minutes in the living room. He woke up and kicked Lily onto the floor and started hitting Chris in the back of the head. He again had a huge fit because we wouldn’t let him watch cartoons in the living room. He ended up in the hallway screaming and kicking and biting and crying. My mom ended up coming over and taking him out for a little while. Before he got up to leave, he curled up into a ball and started biting his knees again. Then she brought him back and hes been fine..I’m going to try to get him to bed without his Clonidine tonight, just to see what happens..Sigh!!!!!